Why do we have emotions?

Have you ever reached the end of a difficult day and realised you have no idea what you are feeling, apart from wanting everyone to leave you alone?

We can spend a whole day dealing with what needs to be done while giving very little attention to what is happening inside us. We answer “I'm fine”, finish another task and hope that whatever is bothering us will settle down. Sometimes we need to put a feeling aside until there is room for it. When we eventually get that room, it can be worth wondering what the feeling has been trying to draw our attention to.

Emotions help us respond to things that matter. Even uncomfortable feelings can have useful functions: fear can alert us to danger, sadness can accompany a loss, and anger can give us energy to address unfair treatment. We still need to consider the situation and choose what to do with that energy. Feeling something strongly gives us a reason to pay attention, while leaving plenty of room to examine our first interpretation.

The Compass offers a way to explore these experiences through seven psychological needs. Within this model, a restorative emotion draws attention to a need that feels threatened or unmet, while a reward emotion accompanies the experience of meeting it. The pairings below belong to the Compass framework. They are prompts for understanding ourselves, and several may be relevant to the same experience. Our circumstances, memories, health and tiredness also deserve consideration when we try to understand a feeling.

What our feelings may be pointing towards

Safety: fear and confidence. Starting a new job can leave us surprisingly anxious, even when we wanted the job and have the skills for it. We have yet to learn how things work or who we can turn to when we get stuck. Looking at fear through the need for safety helps us consider what would make the situation more manageable. We might need information, preparation or someone willing to answer questions. Confidence can develop as we gain experience of finding our way through the unfamiliar.

Belonging: sadness and contentment. We might feel sad after seeing a photograph of friends we rarely spend time with now. Life has become busy, and a connection we valued has quietly slipped out of the week. Through the Compass, that sadness can draw our attention to the closeness we miss. Contentment describes the ease we may feel when there is room to be ourselves with other people. Reaching out can create an opportunity for that connection, while giving us space to acknowledge the loss we have already felt.

Autonomy: anger and passion. Anger may appear when someone makes a decision for us or assumes our time is theirs to organise. Within this pairing, it draws attention to our need for choice and boundaries. We can use the energy to explain what we can reasonably offer and where we need a say, taking responsibility for how we speak and act. Passion describes the engagement available when we have room to choose a direction and put ourselves into something we care about.

Contribution: guilt and peace. When we have let someone down, guilt may help us recognise that our actions have affected them. An apology, repair or a different choice next time can bring us closer to the kind of contribution we want to make, with a greater sense of peace. Guilt also needs some examination. If we feel guilty every time we rest or decline a request, we may be applying expectations that leave little room for our own needs. We can consider what responsibility reasonably belongs to us.

Esteem: shame and pride. A mistake in front of other people can feel much bigger than the task itself. We may begin questioning whether we have anything worthwhile to offer. The Compass connects this experience of shame with our need for esteem. It gives us an opportunity to look at what happened without allowing one result to define our value. Pride can come from recognising genuine effort and developing abilities, including the careful work that nobody happened to notice. We can appreciate that work and remain open to feedback.

Growth: despair and hope. When a plan falls apart, the future can seem to close with it. In this pairing, despair draws attention to our need for a future that feels possible and worthwhile. We may need time to grieve what has changed, along with practical support to explore what remains available. Hope can begin with one plausible next step: a conversation about retraining, a different approach to a problem or an opportunity we had previously overlooked.

Self-actualisation: disgust and love. The Compass uses this pairing to explore our relationship with who we are and how we live. Disgust may accompany a sense that something is deeply at odds with our values. That reaction deserves reflection, especially when it becomes rejection of ourselves or someone else. Love, in this framework, describes a more open and integrated relationship with ourselves, others and life. We may recognise it when a relationship, an act of compassion or meaningful work gives expression to something we genuinely value.

Michael's Thursday evening

Consider Michael, a fictional 42-year-old project manager who has been coming home irritable. On Thursday a colleague adds work to his schedule without asking. Michael agrees, stays late and spends the drive home angry. He also feels guilty about missing dinner with his son again. By the time he arrives, a small household problem feels like one demand too many.

Looking at the evening through the Compass gives him something more specific to work with. His anger may concern autonomy: he wants a say in what he takes on. His guilt may concern contribution: being present for his family matters to him. He can acknowledge both feelings, apologise for being short at home and think about what needs to change at work.

The next morning, Michael discusses priorities with his colleague and agrees on a more realistic deadline. This gives him room to be home for dinner. He will need to keep having these conversations, particularly when saying yes feels easier in the moment. Understanding the feelings has helped him identify a practical adjustment he can try.

When a feeling keeps returning, we can give it a little room and ask what has been happening around it. A need, a worry or a loss may become easier to recognise. From there, we can consider a response that takes both our experience and the people around us seriously.